I succummed to the peer pressure...

...I have my own free account.  I have a new character.  I've already leveled up to five in the intro area.  I'm even starting to sound like the rest of these online-multi-player-role-playing-gaming-geeks.  Ok, not really.   I'm still calling things a whosit and a whatsit...But I did find the second time through a lot easier.  And I actually know how to use my weapons. Big improvements for someone like me.

         Before you say "Of course it is, you dummy" I should clarify now I'm an elf, a girl-elf named Elemanie, because I'm just so creative with names; a hunter-girl-elf-named-Elemanie, because I like playing with bows and arrows. (I was told I had to be an elf for the sake of making a future fellowship).  The intro-area, I've learned, for an elf is different from that of a man, which is Shammel's race.  So, the quests are different, the landscape is different, and the stuff I earn is different.  Even Jeremy said I had improved.

Maybe.

          I think I'm just more patient with the back and forth, talk to this guy, kill these things, gather that stuff, and come back and talk to that guy again, train (but not really), sell off all your old things to the local Elven GoodWill dealio that is intregal to this particular game.

I still can't find my way around the map.

My character still runs like she's drunk.

          Jeremy logged on to his 'free account' so that we could 'fellowship together.'  Sitting side by side, he 'invited' me to be a part of his 'fellowship.'  "Now, click this icon so you can travel to my dynamic layer."

          "Your dynamic what what?"

          "We're in the same area, same location on a different layer.  You can travel to my layer as I'm the fellowship leader."

          So I clicked and watched Elemanie teleport to the exact same location.  "I don't see you," I said. "Am I supposed to see you?"

          "Huh," Jeremy said. "That's weird. That's a bug or something.  Shoulda worked. Let me log out, and this time you invite me."

          Logging out and back in, he instructed me how to 'invite' someone to a fellowship. In the meantime "Fflyboy" decided I looked fellowshipworthy and 'invited' me.  Being the anti-social kind, I declined.  Hopefully I haven't crushed his elven little heart. "Now, do you see me?" I asked.

         "No. This is strange. Must be a bug." 

        "What if we both logged out and back in?" 

        "Worth a shot."

         We wasted a good five minutes logging in and out, 'inviting' one another and teleporting ourselves to the exact same location we were before.  

         "Very odd," Jeremy said. "I can see your dot on the map. Here.  Press 'M'.  See? That's me."

         "It's like we're invisible. ooooOOoooeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhh...." I sang my creepy ghost  noise, earning me a sharp glance from the hubby sitting to my left.

         "Oh well. That's just sad," He said, disappointed.  Frankly, I was a little disappointed too. I was hoping to follow in his shadow and avoid getting lost trying to find all these quests and people with the rings overhead.  

         "You should post it on the discussion board," a disembodied voice floated down the hall into the office.

         "I believe you're supposed to be doing homework, Josh," Jeremy said.  Turning to me he said, "Well, just keep going. I'm doing the same quests anyhow.  Maybe it will work later once we're out of the intro-training area."

           I returned with a non-committal, "Maybe."

         Playing for another fifteen minutes or so, I noticed the time on the computer clock.  "Dinner. We need to feed the children."

         "Darn."

        "Yeah, well, you're leaving soon, and they need to eat."

          Jeremy sighed, "Yeah, I know."

          "I'll tell you what. I'll log out too...and then I'll play again later with you. Maybe it will work again later."

          "Maybe," he said, after shutting down the main computer.   I logged out, logged into the blog, and began to type every non-exciting moment up before I forgot.

After all, it might be weeks again before you see another post from me. 

 He still only has 10 rows of crochet. 

Does talking about playing count?

        Well, it's my birthday. The pressure is on in this house to get a 'free account."  Driving home from vacation last weekend, the entire family was abuzz over the changes on LOTRO.

        "So, Daddy, Can I have a membership?" Ruth asked.

        "Sure. What are you going to be?"

        "I want to be a Captain."

        "Ok. How about you, Joshua?"

        "I think I'll be a Warden or maybe a Rune Keeper."

         "Hey, and I'll be a Healer," Jeremy said.  He paused for a moment, and I knew, just knew what was coming next. "And if you set up your own free account, you could be a Hunter, and we could have our own little fellowship!"

         "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" came the chorus from the back of the van.

          "Can I have a membership?" Hannah asked.

           "I dunno, Hannah," Jeremy answered. "I think you might be too little to manage all the controls.

I seriously thought he was under-estimating her, as we all do, but wisely kept my mouth shut. After all, he still hadn't figure out that we have at least four players and only three computers.

        Hey...now...wait a minute.... And that's when I figured out he had conned me.  I was actually considering playing this stupid game with my family.  Smart man that he is,  he decided to sic my offspring on me, knowing I have trouble resisting their charms.  Ok, I lie. I can resist them pretty well, most times, but the enthusiasm for a family fellowship was contagious, and I slid right in line, just like he had hoped. I pondered this revelation while the family continued plotting and planning domination over middle-earth.

       "But..." I interrupted the LOTRO jargon spoken over and around my head. The van became very silent anticipating my words.  "I'd have to start all over," I whined. "I don't want to start all over."

        "What. You're a level 3?" Josh scoffed.

        "I'm a level seven, thank you very much, and I'd really like to not repeat that nonsense again," I said.

        "It'd only take you about forty minutes to get your new character to Shammel's level." Jeremy said.
        I rolled my eyes in response.

        See how he does that? Not 'a new character' but 'your new character' as if it's already a done deal. I suppose if I'm already entertaining these thoughts, he has a right to assume it's a done deal.

       Sigh.  Now I just have to wonder how 'hot' of a hunter I want to make this guy. And what should I name him this time?

Tricksy Husbandses...

     Most people, as they grow older, find their birthdays to be just another depressing marking of time.  Not me. I've turned the observation of my birthday into an art, carefully and craftily squeezing out celebratory fun from every possible day during the month of September. So of course, any mention of cake, special dinner, or presents will grab my attention.

      Jeremy said to me, "I know what you're getting for your birthday."

     "My birthday!?" I perked up at the thought.

     "Yeeeuupp." He said, looking rather pleased with himself.  In fact, he looked so smug, I became suspicious.

     "Hey, wait!" I exclaimed. After fifteen years of marriage, I can almost read his mind sometimes.   "You're thinking about the free version of LOTRO, aren't you!" I said accusingly.

     Jeremy started laughing. "It comes out exactly on your birthday. I know you're just so thrilled. Happy Birthday, Love."

     "Only if you have a death wish," I said.

Piggies, Spiders, and Wolves, OH MY!

     When I was a little girl, Pac-man sat at the front of our grocery store, taunting my sister and I while we waited for my mother to check out.  Every week, we had the same mantra, "Please Mama, Please. Please Mama Please" while we begged for a quarter each to play the big video arcade game.  To which, most of the time, Mom would say, "No. I'm not wasting a quarter on you. You guys never finish the game." 

     We'd reply, "Yes we will. This time we will. We really really really will!"

     And for some reason, once in awhile, this would work.

      Taking our much prized quarters over to the machine, we'd slide one into the slot, listen to the Pac Man jingle, and begin moving our little yellow wheel of cheese around chomping down on dots. The Wheel of Cheese's enthusiasm for Pac Man Kibble, never boring, even for 40 levels, enslaved many just by the jingle alone.  If only Sara and I could get past level one.  The problem wasn't our inability to move Pac Man through the maze. Our problem was those stupid multi-colored cartoon cousin-it's named  Inky, Pinky, Blinkie, and Clyde.  They had a vendetta against Pac-Man and in their quest to destroy him and protect the kibble, the so-called 'ghosts' came after the yellow cheese with a vengence.

     It was intolerable.

     One moment we were happily moving the joystick, helping Pac Man munch down kibbles and bits, and the next we were shrieking loud enough to wake the dead.

     "AHHHH AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! YOU PLAY!"

     "I'M NOT PLAYING! YOU PLAY!"

     "YOU PLAY!"

     "NO! YOU PLAY!"

      "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuup!" said the machine as Pac Man shriveled up.

      Sara and I would stand there looking at each other, shrug our shoulders and stick the next quarter back into the slot.

     Gee. Such great fun.

     I'm sure our mother was pretending we were orphans at that point.

      So why Jeremy thought I would not only enjoy Lord of the Rings Online, but secretly hoped I'd become just as addicted as him, is beyond me.  It's not as if I haven't told him the Pac Man story.  Over and over and over again.

      I fired up the game, logged into Nimrodel Hey I remembered the name! Go me! Gotta rejoice in the small victories. And entered the little village where I had last left off.  Shammel stood there for a few minutes, when Jeremy finally said to me, "Find 'Fred*' and finish out that last quest." *names have been changed to protect the ignorant*

      Wow. That's like magic. He even remembers what I did last. I don't remember what I did last.  My amazement must have shown on my face, because Jeremy pointed to the screen and said, "That's your quest log.  It shows what open quests you have."  Leaning real close to the screen, I started looking all over the screen looking for some 'log' as if pressing my nose to the monitor was going to help. "No here," he said, pointing again.  I still had no clue what he was talking about, but just nodded and went to find 'Fred"

     Instead of Fred being grateful, the jerk, he gave me more assignments.  "Go Kill Wolves" he said. What choice did I have? I went and killed wolves.  Thank goodness they stood still for me while I picked them off with my bow.  Well, all except one who took exception to my weapon, and charged me. I shrieked and frantically clicked my mouse, shooting the snot out of that wolf.  He'll think twice before crossing me anytime soon. Right clicking on all my kills, I "looted" each wolf (see I'm learning the terminology...sort-of) for items I'm sure I'll never know what I'm supposed to do with it.

     "Um, clicking rapidly won't help you," Jeremy said.

     I glared at him. "But it makes me feel better." I said.

     I went back to the village to "turn in my quest" only to find out I had to speak to "George." And so began the song and dance of talking to this person, who in turn told me to talk to that person. And the more I talked to village folk, the more assignments, er, uh, quests, I was given.  "Here," Jeremy said. "You can pick up this one, and that one and the other..."  Oh man. Please just let me do one at a time!  I silently begged, to no avail.  I wasn't sure I could keep track of all the quests I had loading up in my queue.  Oh wait, that's right I have an invisible quest log that will keep track of all of these things for me!

     "How in the heck am I supposed to find this kingscrap stuff?"

     "Kingsfoil?"

     "Yeah that."

     "It glows."

     "Yes, but WHERE do I find it?"

     "Outside the village."

     "You mean, I have to wander around out there looking for glowing plants?"

     "Here, let me show you something. Here's the Map."

      Using great restraint, I refrained from breaking out into Dora the Explorer's "I'm the Map" song.

     "See, you're right here," Jeremy continued, "And the kingfoil is somewhere in here." He pointed to a very wide empty looking space in the center of the map.

     "Uh, That's not going to help. I have no idea how to read maps in real-life. And you want me to do this virtually?"

      "You're here," Jeremy tried again. "You have to travel down this road and into this field."

     "No virtual Tom-Tom?" I asked.

      Jeremy just looked at me, as if I was actually trying to be antagonizing.  I wasn't, mostly.  I really felt a big zippo blank-o in my brain looking at the map.  He sighed, closed out the map, and said, "Go that way."

I maneuvered Shammel back out of the village, ran past the wolf killing scene, and wandered aimlessly for at least five minutes. Hey this isn't bad. Maybe I can waste my forty minutes 'looking' for kingsfoil.

      Sensing a mutiny, Jeremy steered my character in the right direction and said, "Look. Kingsfoil."

I marched Shammel up to the plant, and said, "Do I right click on it like I did to loot the wolves?"

     "Yup." Jeremy said.

     "You're too far away," LOTRO said.

      So I inched closer, and right clicked.

     "Still too far away."

     So I stood in the middle of the plant.

     "You must face your collectable," LOTRO said.

     I danced around the kingsfoil plant right clicking until finally it allowed me to collect some of its precious leaves.

     Finally, having collected enough, I returned the village, turned in my quest, received some threadbare clothing for my labor. And of course, turning in a quest seems to lead to gaining a new task.  Now I had to go talk to yet another dude, I'll call "Henry."

     "You've leveled up," Jeremy said. "You should go see your trainer."

     "Huh? Trainer?"

     "Yeah, you probably have some new skill that will help you."

     "Uh, ooohhkaaay. How do I find my trainer?"

     "Go over here."

     "Now what do I do?"

     "Right click."

     "Now what?"

     "Click, 'train'"

     "Ok, now what?"

     "Close it out. You've just gained your 'power stance." Jeremy said enthusiastically.

     "That's it? That's how I train? I just click on the dude? I don't have to actually 'train'? And what is a power stance?" I asked.

     "Yup, that's it. That's all you do. A power stance can be activated each time you log in, and it makes your weapons more powerful, or your close stance fighting inflict more damage."

     "And inflicting more damage is a good thing." I added dubiously.

     "NOW," Jeremy said with emphasis, "Let's go find Henry."

     I looked up at my compassy thingy at the upper right hand corner of the screen and didn't see an arrow pointing me in the general direction of Henry.  "Hey," I said to Jeremy. "There's no compassy thingy. How do I find Henry?"

      "Well," he said, "Let's look at the map." 

     Like that helped so much the last time.

     "Ah," He continued oblivious to my thoughts, "See, he's in the hunting lodge which is waaaaay over here.  You'll have to run down this road and cross the bridge to get to the hunting lodge."

      "In the meantime, since I'm leaving the village again, can I kill the pigs and collect the berries from the other two quests?"

      "Sure. That's a good idea," he praised.  "Now let's set the quest tracker to Henry. Right click on this ring."

      "This ring?" OOOOOHHHHH! There's my quest log. Right there on the right. Just exactly where he'd been pointing. How dare they just put text right on the screen without a nifty box around the words! Everything else has a nifty box around it.

      "Yup." He said.

      "Oh hey look. I have an arrow again in my compassy thingy!" I exclaimed.

     I set out down the road and, of course, didn't encounter one piggy. 

     "Boar." Jeremy corrected.

    "Whatever," I said.  "It figured, when I was hunting wolves, I saw tons of piggies. Now that I'm hunting piggies, I only see wolves."

     "Boar," Jeremy said. "And look, there's one."

     I discovered one thing: piggies are way more aggressive than wolves.  I let out a high pitched squeal as the pig charged at me and put my cursor on the bottom icons. Fighting the urge to shut my eyes, I clicked on every bow and arrow icon I had at the bottom center of the screen.  The pig keeled over, and I made Shammel loot his poor little piggy hide.

      "Boar," Jeremy said.

     "Whatever."

      "Now, aren't you glad you have the power stance? Doesnt that make killing boars better?"

     "I don't know if I can tell the difference," I said, not really trying to be difficult.

     Jeremy rolled his eyes.

     I wandered along the path, collecting berries, and killing piggies, yelping every time Shammel was charged at.

     "Boar," Jeremy said.

     "Whatever."

     Finally, finally, finally, I came to the hunting lodge.

     I waltzed Shammel up the steps, and in front of the door (so I thought) and right clicked to open it.  Much to my dismay, the door opened and passed through my character as if he were a specter, cutting Shammel in half.  I tried to move him right. He didn't budge. I tried to move him left. Still nothing.  I almost cussed. "Jeremy, get my character out of the door!" I demanded, "I almost cussed! I never cuss! I have to be really mad to cuss! Save me from cussing! I hate arrow-key games!"  Recognizing I was thiiiiiis close to earning a free leather jacket complete with straps and buckles, Jeremy said nothing. He leaned over, right clicked on the door, shut it, moved Shammel over a few taps of the right arrow, right clicked on the door and opened it again.  I was still too angry to feel foolish over my childish behavior.  By this point, I was fed up with the game and it's randomness, and a minor temper tantrum was just what I needed to make it through the last of my forty minutes.

     Of course, Henry wanted something from me too, these greedy bast...er uh, um...yeah, these greedy folks, that's what I meant to say. If these greedy folk like Henry did more than just stand there nodding their heads and repositioning themselves every 30 seconds, they could take care of these problems themselves instead of depending on poor hapless Hunters, like my character.  I took my leave, and wandered lost around the tiny three room hunting lodge. Yes, lost. As in, I. could. not. find. the. door. Go ahead, and laugh.  Jeremy wisely did not, however. 

     Once Shammel was outside the lodge, Jeremy said, "I know a short-cut back to the village."

     "Great. I'm gonna turn in the piggy quest"

     "Boar."

    "Whatever. And the berry quest. And then I'm done. D.O.N.E. done."

    "Now, you're going to go down this path, and there will be spiders, but since this is the intro/training area, these ones won't attack you."

     I guess I didn't hear the word 'spiders' or maybe I didn't process it. I was just anxious to finish my time quota, and go back to my happy place. My stress and frustration levels had been steadily climbing since the moment I had logged in and felt blank inside my brain.  I started Shammel down the path and encountered the first ginormous spider. Sure, it wasn't attacking me, but I sure as heck did not want to run into it, through it, or whatever. So I steered around the spider, only to nearly encounter a web.  And then another web. And a web with some kind of prey wrapped up into it...and more spiders. Every where I looked! SPIDERS! AND MORE SPIDERS! AND MORE WEBS AND MORE SPIDERS!!!!  AND WEBS AND...AND ...AND...."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

     I jumped out of my chair and ran down the stairs as if the devil were after my soul. 

    "Melanie?" Jeremy called down the steps uncertain as to where I went.

     "I'm here," I said, my voice muffled by the pillow I was holding over my face.

     "Are you coming back?"

     "I just can't take the spiders. I don't care if they're not real. I can't take the spiders. Just get me back to the village, OK? Call me when you're back at the village, so I can turn in my quests and be done."

     "Ok."

     "Are you back to the village yet?"

    "Yes. you can come back now."

    I turned in my last two quests of the night. And slumped with relief.

   "I really don't think this is the game for you," Jeremy said, in all honesty.

    "Noooo, really?" I said sarcastically. "Whatever gave you that idea?'

    He laughed. "You're really going to hate level 20."

    "Spiders?" I asked weakly.

    "Spiders." He said. "And they don't just stand there passively, either."

     Great. Cant. Wait.

Busted!

    The ultimatum seemed like a good idea at the time. Oh sure, the blog languished, and I didn't have any fodder to write about, but I also didn't have to play Lord of the Rings Online. As long as the crochet hook wasn't working any loops into any scarf, I didn't have to think about Nimrodel, or Peg Buckwheat, or anything remotely relating to a quest.  Well, I exaggerate, a bit. My menfolk are always talking about Lord of the Rings. But as long as the scarf wasn't growing, I had license to tune them out.  

     Last night I was in my happy space, tapping away at the laptop's keyboard, when our daughter, Ruth chirped, "What are you doing, Daddy? Are you going to crochet?"  My ears perked up at the last question, and I looked over the laptop screen to see Jeremy wandering around yarn in hand.  He opened my silver needle box and started rummaging.

     "The gold hook, right?"

     "Yes," I said, warily. "Planning to crochet a few more rows?"

     "Yup. You know, you could quest on the laptop while I sit here and crochet."

     "That's ok. You get your ten rows, and then I'll show you how to double crochet, and then I'll quest. Maybe tomorrow."

     We sat in companionable silence, Jeremy asking me a question here and there while I surfed.  After a bit, he said, "Ok, show me double crochet."

     "Give me the scarf."

     "No!" Holding the scarf out of reach, he added, "You can just tell me."

     I'm more of a demonstrating kind of instructor, but I decided if he was going to sit there looking like a toddler playing keep-away with his favorite toy, I'd just have to see if I could talk him through the steps.  I let out a big sigh and said, "Chain three. This is your first stitch. Unlike single crochet, where the chain one helps you turn your work.  Now, you'll skip the first stitch of the last row, because you've made this chain 3."

     "Got it."

      I continued to walk him through the double crochet, secretly impressed at how much faster Jeremy was picking it up this time.  He wasn't all thumbs, and after a bit, he even had a rhythm going.  Assured Jeremy was doing well enough on his own, I turned back to the laptop and continued reading wikipedia, the site my latest meanderings had led me.

     "Ok, that's it. I'm done that row. It's your turn."

     "No, you have to do another row of double crochet," I said glancing at him.
     "No, wait. That's not what you said last time. You're changing the rules," Jeremy protested.

     "I am not."

     "Are too."

      "Not."

      "Too," He said with extra emphasis.  "Last time you said, 'Ten rows, and a row of double crochet' before you'd play LOTRO again.  So I finished my ten rows of single crochet, and now I've completed a row of double crochet, so I'm done for tonight."

     "You have to at least do one more row of double. The last stitch can be tricky because you're putting your hook through the chain three of the previous row," I argued, hoping to buy more time.  Dang, this man is getting faster and better at this crochet stuff. A row doesn't buy me as much time as it used to. 

     "Ok," He said, "That makes sense. But I still say you're cheating and changing the rules." Again, we both became silent as he continued to crochet, the tap tap tapping of my fingers running rapidly across the keyboard being the only sound.  

     Jeremy broke the silence. "I crocheted for 40 minutes. Now you owe me 40 minutes of LOTRO," he announced.

     "That was NOT 40 minutes of crochet."

     "Was too."

     "Was not."

     "Was too."

     "Was not."

     "Was too. I came down here at eight o'clock and started crocheting. It's now eight-forty.  That's forty minutes of LOTRO you owe me."

      "No, you started looking for your hook at eight o'clock. You did not sit down and start at eight o'clock," I said, desperation lacing my voice. If I could bargain away five minutes, even ten, I would have rejoiced.  Jeremy just looked at me like a recalcitrant child. I stared back, making my eyes wider, pleading.  I smiled weakly. After all, this expression sometimes worked for our girls. "Not forty minutes," I said weakly, pleadingly. "How about thirty minutes? Or even twenty minutes?"

     "Forty minutes," He said decisively. "And if you do it now, you can get it over with."

     Puffing out my breath, I said, "Ok. Fine. But you know, you could bring that with you and get a few more rows completed while I quest" I pushed up from the kitchen table, scooting my chair back, and stood up.  Jeremy stood at the same time, and we started walking towards the stairs.

      We were half-way across the living room when someone knocked on the door.   Without thinking about what was in his hands, Jeremy answered the door. Much to his chagrin, our friend and his daughter were standing on our front porch.  Now, it's one thing to announce to the world wide web my husband has taken up crochet.  It's another thing for said husband to have a fellow male member of the species catch him in the actual act.  About a thousand expressions blinked across Jeremy's face in the span of a nanosecond, ranging from horror to mild embarrassment to resignation. 

 

     "Oh man," Jeremy said looking down at the yarn in his hand, "You caught me." His expression sheepish, he held up his scarf. "As you can see, I'm crocheting."

     Our friend raised his eyebrows and said, "I see."

      I asked the friend, "Didn't your wife tell you about our challenge?"

      "Uh, no." He said.

      "You see," I continued, pointing at Jeremy, "He wanted me to play his stupid computer game. And I said, ''Ok, fine. I'll play your stupid computer game if you earn to crochet' not thinking he'd actually do it. I really thought that would deter him from pestering me into playing. Obviously I was wrong."

      "Obviously," our friend said. After a brief awkward moment, he said, "I hope you didn't tell my wife about this."

     "Oh she already knew about it. I'm surprised she didn't show you the blog," I replied.

     "Good. Then she's smart enough not to get any ideas," He said. And then as if in an afterthought, maybe in attempt to make Jeremy feel better, "Though I did spin wool once."

     "You did, huh?" I said.

     "Yup. I spun lumpy bumpy wool once, to make her happy. Beginners Yarn."

      Jeremy nodded in acknowledgment of the 'to make her happy' part of that statement.

      "And hey," our friend continued. "It's good to take interest in each other's hobbies and such."

     "If you could call it that," I said.

     "Yeah, well. Hey. It is what it is." And with that profound statement, our friend called his daughter who was running around with Ruth.  "I was just dropping off these for the wife." He said, handing me a couple of bags. "It was good seeing you. Good luck with. that." He pointed to Jeremy's crochet. "Maybe if you're lucky, Melanie, you'll get a scarf for a Christmas present."

     We waved good-bye, and walked into the house.  Setting the yarn down, Jeremy looked at me with bright, wide, revenge seeking, eyes.  "Well," he said clapping his hands together and rubbing them. "Now you really have to quest tonight."

     "Forty minutes?" I said as I climbed up the stairs.

     "Yup. Forty minutes." He said, mercilessly.

     I can only be glad he didn't add a humiliation penalty into the playing time equation.

(stay tuned for the next post: Piggies, Spiders, and Wolves, OH MY!)

At this rate, we'll be 90 before we finish this challenge

      "I refuse to go on another quest until I see more progress on that scarf," I said after Jeremy pushed at me to play his game again.

      "Oh com'mon," He said. "They don't take so long."

      "Yeah, yeah, I know how this will work. I'll get to level 20, and you'll still have three rows of crochet," I replied.

      "So?" he laughed. "I don't see what's wrong with that! Besides you need to keep blogging, don't you? You'd be able to blog about your latest quest."

      "Ha! Right. As if. I'm not falling for that line of illogical reasoning. So, our ten loyal readers will just have to wait for the next entry. I'm not letting you use them as an excuse to make me play the game when you're not even keeping up YOUR end of the bargain."

      I let that hang in the air for a little bit, turned on the television and sat down to spin.  About fifteen minutes later, Jeremy sauntered through the livingroom, casually picked up his crochet and sat back down.

      "Hey, where's my hook? I can't find my hook."

     I just raised my eyebrows at him. Yeah, I see where this is going, so sad, I don't know where my hook is, I can't crochet. Oh well I tried. Uh-huh. I know you soooo well, mister.  "I put it in my case over there with my knitting needles.

      The expression on Jeremy's face was priceless. It was an Oh crap I've been found out! kind of face.  He opened up my silver case, and took out his hook. Looked at his work, turned it upside down, backwards, forwards, and then looked at me, his eyes saying "help me." 

     "See," I couldn't help gloating a bit, "You've forgotten already. That's what happens when you don't keep at it."  I took his hook, and stuck it into the loop. "Chain one and turn," I said.

     "Oh yeah!" He said.

     Normally I'd have suspected the 'helpless' routine, but Jeremy absolutely refused to let me touch his crochet.  Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure as the youngest in his family, he  not only knows the secret handshake to enter the 'baby of the family' clubhouse, but also all the tricks: "How to make my older brother/sister do all the work/chores," "How to look helpless and make others do stuff for you", and "How to get out of trouble just with a smile."  Jeremy may even have written a few of the handbooks for the future generations. Our youngest Hannah certainly has read "Weird Works Well, a brief guide on distracting your parents/siblings/teachers."  So, when Jer wouldn't let me 'show' him how to crochet again, I was pretty sure he wasn't trying to play me. He really did forget.

     "Now put the hook into that first stitch. No, remember how you have to hold the hook." He wrapped the yarn around his finger a few times and tried to get it started. Dropping the piece a few times, he finally successfully stuck the hook into the first stitch and drew a loop through. Then he fought with the yarn some more as he tried to pull it through both loops on his hook.  After a few stitches like this, however, he finally found a rhythm.

     Once he successfully completed three rows, he said, "Wow. This is going to take a long time at this rate." 

      "Yeah, that's why I'm going to show you double crochet after you get ten rows.  And once you get ten rows, I'll do some more quests. So, are you going to crochet some more?"

     "No. I think that'll do it for now."  And he set his six rows of crochet to the side.

That was about a week and a half ago.  And I still haven't done another quest.  

Just six rows, sitting there sad, lonely, and forgotten...

Still only three rows of crochet

     I know it's been a long nine-day stretch between posts, but someone, *cough* *cough* who shall remain nameless, hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain.  I even completed more quests.  That's it, I'm not moving forward one more level, til I see at least five or six more rows of crochet.

     In the meantime, I'll leave our loyal followers with the long-awaited footage of Jeremy getting his first lesson in crochet.  Ruthie filmed with her point and shoot camera on video setting, which wasn't such a great idea.  I should have handed her the regular video camera.  The mic didn't pick up our voices well at all, which was pretty much all of humor value, and the film was dark and grainy.

      How do you take bad footage with a corrupted soundtrack and make it, eh, at least a little more interesting than staring at your pet rock? Add too many video effects with your amateur video editor, throw in some text that kind of sort of mimics the dialogue, and use a rag time music track.

Enjoy!

This is the game that never ends...yes, it goes on and on my friends...

     I've been avoiding and procrastinating, putting off, and making excuses, anything to avoid another quest.

     "Maybe I should change the requirements," Jeremy said. "Maybe I should let you just get to level five."
     "Oh no," I answered. "You still have to make a whole scarf, and I haven't seen you crochet more than those first three rows."
     "That's because I can't find my hook."
     "Gee, that's convenient."

     We've been on stay-cation this week, a perfect opportunity for both of us to 'catch-up' on our challenge, neither one of us wanting to follow through.  I'm still uncertain, but I have a small suspicion that Jeremy was trying to not-so-subtly hint that I needed to do another quest.  He suggested "We" watch all three Lord of The Rings movies this week.  Humoring him, and deciding I might as well get the pain over with, I finally told him last night that, sigh, "Ok, I guess I'll do another quest."

     Loading up the game, Jeremy said to me, "Ok babe, here's your hot guy" as I selected my character from the list.  I looked at Shammel, looked at him, and looked at Shammel again.
     "Maybe you should grow your hair out," I said.
     "And maybe I should get a green tunic and some tights," he replied dryly.
     The mental image amused me so much, I burst out in a near hysterical fit of laughter.   "Ok, Ok," I said catching my breath and wiping the tears from my eyes, "Maybe that's not such a good idea."

     I entered Middle Earth with great apprehension, having forgotten everything I almost-kinda-sorta knew about how to move around and do things in the game. Jeremy began explaining my console to me. "And if you look up here and see the arrow, it will point you to where the next quest is."
     "OH!" I exclaimed. "It's kind of like the 'You Are Here' on the mall directory. I can never find my way using one of those either."
     Ignoring me, Jeremy continued. "Press I for inventory. And click on this. You can put on this and that and the other thing, if you have them. Now press this, and click on that. Type in your last name, and give over your first born child, and you can use this weapon which really doesnt do a whole lot. You'll get better stuff as you finish quests and level up."
     "Oooh kaaay." My head was swimming with too much information. Knowing he'd walk me through it all again, I feigned understanding. So, I clicked on one fellow with a ring over his head, followed his instructions, which was to find Guy Number Two with a ring on his head.

  Games driven by arrow keys are the bane of my existence. I used the compass looking thingy on the upper right hand of the console and walked drunkenly towards my next objective.
     "Um, Melanie," Jeremy said. "You're going in the wrong direction."
     "OH!" I said, and swerved Shammel violently in the opposite direction.  Running into objects, swerving left and right, and tilting the 'view' all over the place, I finally found Guy Number Two who told me I was now looking for Guy Number Three. Are you kidding me? Sighing, I blew my hair out of my eyes, and looked at Jeremy, who was oblivious to my annoyance. 
     "See! You finished two 'quests' that wasn't so bad, now was it? And LOOK! You've leveled up!" He said in an encouraging tone usually reserved for kindergartners who avoided eating the paste.
     "Yay." I answered in a flat voice.  Walking Shammel up some stairs and into a building, I found Guy Number Three, who told me to go back and talk yet again to guy number two. "WHAT?!" I said incredulous, "I was just talking to Guy Number Two! Now I have to go back?!?"  At least, Guy Number Two had some 'training' for me to do. Oh, and I picked up some "Thread bare" clothing, a cloak, a shirt, and some gloves.  Somehow these thread bare items provide armor. Um, right.
     "No, Really, they do" Jeremy said, reading my facial expression. "Click here and here. See," he pointed to yet another box that came up on the edge of the screen, "What you were wearing provides an armor of 2. This new item gives you an armor of 12." I just stared at him for a moment, and then took Shammel on his way back to Guy Number Two.  Poor Shammel still hadn't gotten his land legs back.

    "You need to train blah blah blah," Guy Number Two said.
     "What does that mean?" I asked Jeremy
     "You're just going to take your bow, and walk over to those targets."
I didn't see any targets.
     "Those targets."
I still didn't see any targets.
     "Those, right there." Taking over the key pad for a moment, he steered Shammel over to the targets.
     "OH those targets."  Seeing four burlap covered man-shaped torsos, I armed my character with my bow, clicked on a target and shot.
     "That's it," Jeremy said. "You've completed your training, now you've got the super-duper-swift arrows."
     "I don't have to hit all four targets?" I said, confused. What kind of training is this anyway?
     "Nope. Now you have to go back and talk to Guy Number Two."
I walked over to Guy Number Two, who then told me Guy Number Four had important information for me.
     "OMGoodness!" I exclaimed. "This game NEVER ENDS! How do I get out of here?"
     "Just do this last thing, and then we'll exit, ok?"
     I don't even remember what "that last thing" was, to be honest. It's all a blur, probably Shammel talking to Guy Number Four who then said go back to Guy Number Three and have a beer with Guy Number Two, oh sorry I probably should have said ALE, and then...  Well, ok, so maybe not quite like that, but it was close.

     Wanting to exit out of the game, I looked at Jeremy and said, "No wonder you get trapped. Not that I like it any better, or make any excuses because it still is just a game. But I can see why you get trapped. Why on earth would they make a game that just goes on...and on...and on..."
     "Yes but look," He interrupted my monologue. "You've made it to level three. See, it really wasn't that hard. Now was it?"

No. But it was painful. Really really painful.

Whose bright idea was this anyway?

     Feeling a great deal sheepish after making my character, I closed out the game, looked at Jeremy and said, "Well. That's it for now. I think I'll do my first quest another time."
     "Ok," He said. "Though you could just get it over with now."
     "Noooo. That's ok. I'm good."
     "Com'mon, it won't be so bad. The first quest is like the tutorial for the game," He lied. "It kind of walks you through what you have to do."
    I sighed, knowing I probably should just do the first quest. I anticipated this moment about as much as I look forward to a ripping a band-aid off a wound and pulling off half my leg hair along with it.  "Fine," I said loading the game back up.  "Now what?"
      "See these people with a ring over their head? You want to talk to them. They have the quests you need to accomplish"  Clumsily using the keys to maneuver Shammel, I made him wander over to the person with the 'ring' over her head and stood there waiting for something to happen. Jeremy said nothing while the characters moved and swayed on the screen.  Ok, I thought to myself, I guess he expects me to figure this out on my own. I typed into the chat screen, "Talk"  Nothing happened. So I tried, "Say Hello."  Still nothing.  Refusing to look at Jeremy, knowing, just knowing his eyes would be dancing with laughter, I clicked on the character.  Still nothing.
     "Try double clicking on her."
     "Ah, ok."

     I double-clicked on the hobbit, learned I was supposed to save three other hobbits, and in the meantime, kill lots of bad guys. Ok, maybe not lots. I think there were six, or maybe eight.  Either way, it felt like a lot.  The first bad guy rushed towards me, immediately attacking me. I sat helpless with my left hand fingers on the keyboard and the right poised over the mouse while Shammel's life began ebbing away with each blow from the villain.  I could see Shammel had a knife in his hand, but I had no clue what to do.  "Click on the bad guy to stab him with your knife," Jeremy said dryly.

    "OH!" clicking furiously, I managed to defeat the first bad guy.  I freed a hobbit, and took a deep breath.  This is the epitome of stress. Really, why do people like PLAYING these kinds of games. This is not escape. This is a different sort of hell, one where I'm destined to be stressed out in real life as well as in the virtual world!

    The next bad guy raced towards me, and I squealed. Yes. I did. I squealed, and started clicking even more rapidly than before.  After all, it worked to kill the first guy, so surely this was what I had to do.  Defeating three or four bad guys in such a manner, I was worn out. I wondered how my poor mouse was going to hold up if I had to click like a madwoman for every villain I chanced to encounter. This was only level one! The game was SURE to become increasingly more difficult!

    Having determined to let me "learn" the game on my own, Jeremy sat by my side relatively quiet, until he just couldn't take it any longer.  "Um, You're a hunter," He said.
    "Yeah, so?"
     "Why did you want to be a hunter?"
     "So I could have a bow and arrows."
     "So, use them, then you don't have to wait for the bad guy to practically be on top of you. You can shoot him from afar."  
     Shoot the bad guys from afar? That sounded pretty good. "How on earth do I get my bow?"
     "You click on this here." Jeremy selected an icon at the bottom of the screen, "And look. You're armed with your bow. Now, take aim and fire," He said as the next bad guys tried to blitz me.  I clicked a little less frantically, though feeling an equal amount of stress, using way too many arrows to kill low-level villains.  I really hope I have unlimited arrows, though somehow I doubt it. Managing to get the hobbits free, I found myself in a village, my first quest completed.  I laid my head on the office desk and took some deep cleansing breaths.

      "Great Job," Jeremy said enthusiastic. "That wasn't so bad, now was it? And look, you're already half-way to level two. See that? Would you like to do another quest?" I looked at him like he had grown two heads. "I guess I'll take that as a no. Well, see here," He persisted on with his chatter, "More people with rings, more quests. You've got a whole village to explore."
    Goodie,  I thought sarcastically, a whole village to explore.
    "Just let me know when you're ready to do another quest."
   How about never?

Later, I over-heard Jeremy recounting my first experience with his beloved online game.  "She's a hunter, and she's killing the bad-guys with a knife!" He started to laugh, shaking his head.  "A KNIFE!?" 

Go ahead and laugh, buddy. You've got a whole scarf yet to crochet. Just go ahead and laugh.

Jeremy buys yarn

    The last ten days since the previous post have been quite the wild ride here in the "Mel" household.  As a result, I have only been able to accomplish one quest, and Jeremy has managed to crochet three rows, but those are stories for later.  Today, I bring you the not-quite-captivating tale of one husband, one wife, three children, and a point and shoot camera on video mode, set loose upon the super-duper-mega-monster craft store's yarn aisle.  Between the camera and the yarn fondling, it's a wonder we didn't get tossed out.

    The super-duper-mega-monster craft store was amazingly empty when we went. Good news for Jeremy. No one had to witness his ultimate discomfort of standing in the yarn aisle. Well, not entirely true. He has spent many hours in yarn, craft, and art stores, usually wearing a blank expression, looking the part of the beleaguered husband who has found his happy place inside his head.  However, this time, he had to actually participate in the choosing of color and yarn type. After all, it is his scarf he's making. 

   Most likely, Jeremy figured he'd walk in, grab the first skein off the rack, in whatever color he thought was manly enough, and walk out.  I wasn't about to make it that easy.

     "You plan on wearing this, right?" I asked as he held up the hunter green acrylic yarn.
     "Maybe," He said.
     "Then you should feel it, not just look at it. If it's scratchy, you won't like working with it, and you won't enjoy wearing it."
     "Oh-kaaaay..." he said as he rubbed the yarn on his face.  Not exactly what I had in mind when I said "You should feel the yarn", but I wasn't going to say anything more. I had the camera in my hand, and watched as he rubbed the yarn on Joshua, Ruth, and Hannah's faces.  Taking a unanimous decision that the hunter green was, indeed, 'too scratchy' he proceeded to pick up another skein.  "I like this color. How about this color? And look it's soft. Now can we go?"
     "No. You need a hook."
     "What's a hook?"
     "The thing you use to crochet with. It helps pull loops through loops. Let me see the yarn. It will tell us what size hook. I like to go up a size or two when I make a basic no-pattern scarf so it's more open and has more drape."
      "Bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah." Jeremy said, imitating Charlie Brown's teacher.
      "Here." I said handing him the correct hook.
      "It's PINK!" he said. "I can't use a pink hook!"
      "It's red, " I said. "It's not pink."
      "I want a different color." He said.
       "They don't have that size in a different color. Each size has its own color. You won't be any less manly with a RED hook than a silver or blue hook."
      "I really don't want pink." He reiterated.
       "It's already a size larger than recommended. You'd have to go up to yet another size to have a different color than RED."
       "It's Pink. Isn't that pink, Josh?"
       "Yes. It's pink." Josh said, in the never ending quest to defend masculinity for all man-kind.
       I groaned. "It. is. NOT. Pink. But fine. here. Have this hook." I took the next size up off the rack.
       "That's better," Jeremy said. And we wandered to the check-out. The camera continued filming, and I'm sure the check-out clerk thought we were quite batty.  But then again, this is the family that drives through the city wearing multi-colored wigs.

So, come along to the super-duper-mega-monster craft store with us, and maybe afterward, the soundtrack will loop continuously in your head as badly as it is stuck in mine.

In which, I began my slippery slide downhill

For the record, I feel absolutely ridiculous. But, I kept up my end of the bargain.  After we got home from purchasing yarn, I made a character. I even did my first 'quest' and freed some hobbitses. 

Having every intention to make an elf, I sat down with Jeremy and loaded up the game.

    "You can't be on Silverlode. I'm on Silverlode, but there's no more room.  This one here would be a good one, or this would be a good one," he said pointing to two other "worlds."
    "Um, is that like a server?" I asked. 
    "Yes, exactly." He said.
    "Okey dokey."
    "I don't know if I'd be an elf if I were you," he said.
    "Why not?"
    "Well, unless you want to be a girl, because all elves look like girls. The male elfs are very effeminate."
    "Hmm, so the choices are, I can be a girl and make her the opposite of me, tall, gorgeous, and pretend that's what I look like. Because, after all, this whole concept of role playing games is to pretend to be something you're not, right?  OR I can make eye candy?"
    "Um, yeah. I suppose so." He said, not sure what else to say.
    "Ok. Maybe I won't be an elf. Maybe I'll be a human guy, Instead. Because I don't want to be a hobbit or a dwarf and you've said I probably won't like being an elf. All I really know is I want to be a hunter because you said a hunter's main weapon is bow and arrow." 

    I didn't mind making the character so much, because it wasn't too far off from playing one of the girls' fashion plates kind of games where you design the model from head to toe before making cool designer outfits. Or, I suppose making a mii on the wii. 

    "First you have to come up with a name," Jeremy said.

    "Oh, I'm so horrible at coming up online names," I said with dismay.

     "Well, they give you suggestions," He pointed out. "See?"

Throwing together a few of the prefix and suffixes the game suggested to me,  I sighed. "This is silly, " I said. "I feel silly. Maybe I should just borrow your schtick of putting 'Sham' in front of it instead."

     "No, you don't want to do that," Jeremy said. I think he was feeling a little possessive of his prefix. With a few exceptions, several of his characters have "sham" in front of their names in honor of his birthday gift of a "Sham-Wow" which was wrapped up along with the Lord of the Rings Online game box.  Our brother-in-law had even written a lovely little birthday message that went something along the lines of "Say good-bye to eating, sleeping, working, etc. Happy Birthday"  I don't remember if there was an evil laugh, a "Muhahahaha" written after the message or not,  but it definitely was implied.

    "But I don't know what else to do, and at least, if I get tired of this character, you can keep it."

    "You won't get tired of your character," Jeremy said with all confidence of an addict,  "And besides, I already have a hunter."

    I looked at him with my sad eyes, and said, "Ok. But I'm at least putting 'Mel' in there somewhere. I just thought I could use Sham and Mel together." 

    Jeremy pondered it for a moment, and then said, "Ok. That's not bad. I guess that would work."

     I changed all the features, and found myself slightly embarrassed to have made a character with swarthy skin and longish hair. Hmm.  Looking over at my husband, I said, "Maybe you should grow your hair out." 

     He laughed and said, "Uh, Maybe not."  He made me feel better by showing me that he has one character named after me.  Aww, how sweet. I've been immortalized in an interactive multi-player online role-playing game. "So," he continued, "Do you want to start a quest?"

next... Jeremy's shopping trip...

Raising the Stakes (or why we haven't bought yarn yet...)

    I won't lie. I'm really not looking forward to playing this game.  Well, ok, maybe unconsciously I've kinda sorta been putting off yarn shopping. Alright, Alright.  I admit...perhaps it hasn't been so unconscious at all.  We made a deal: I won't create "my character" until Jeremy has yarn and crochet hook in hand. 

    Tuesday, Jeremy was all set and ready to run out to the super-duper-mega-monster craft store to pick out yarn, however, Joshua had to raise funds at the local chain restaurant for his Youth Group.  By the time the evening concluded, the super-duper-mega-monster craft store was closed.  I was so sad.

    Wednesday, he had to prepare for his second job: teaching computer classes at the local institute.  Rats.

    Thursday, he was teaching.  Too bad his classes ended long after the super-duper-mega-monster store closed. Man, was I ever bummed.

    Friday came and went, and neither one of us can remember what happened, that's how memorable the day was  But obviously, we were too busy to go purchase necessary yarn and hook. What a shame.

    Saturday, I was at some things looming, brainstorming, and doing a little prep work for the closing of our most recent exhibit: TeXt/TeXTiLe.  I ran home around seven in the evening, hoping we could make it out, but unfortunately, there just wasn't enough time.  Jeremy had been working in the yarn and needed to clean up.  Scattered throughout the neighborhood, our kids were running around screaming like banshees, clothed in a days worth of dirt and sweat, and completely unfed.  By the time they ate their supper, and Jeremy was sparkling clean, well, I just plain lost my energy for such energetic endeavors such as shopping for yarn.  Plus, we only would have had about fifteen minutes til closing by the time we arrived at the super-duper-mega-monster craft store's yarn aisle.

    Darn.

    "You know," Jeremy said to me, "You could just start your character. I don't need to have my yarn yet."

     "Oh no. I'm not taking that risk," I said. "You'll have yarn in hand, and THEN I'll start my character."

     "Ok. But if I'm making a scarf. You have to get to at LEAST level 20 before you can be released from this challenge."

     "Level twenty?" I said in a very very small voice.

     "Yeah. I think that's fair. Level twenty."

     I let out a big sigh.  Suddenly the tables have turned. Or rather, maybe the playing field has just become more level.

     I wonder how much longer I can find excuses to purchase yarn.

Be Careful what you search for... (or it never pays to cheat)

     The other day, Jeremy emailed me with this attachment. He said, "in trying to search for crochet tutorial, I inadvertently skip the "t"...

     Maybe I'm slow, but I was trying to figure out what had happened. OHHH, the "T" in tutorial. And good ol' Google starts putting suggestions in it's drop down box the minute you start typing. Too funny.

     I'm not too sure about crochet underwear. And why would someone want a pair so badly they'd be Googling for a pattern? Come to think of it...who decided to come up with the pattern in the first place? I do suppose that it's a good idea to put a pattern up on the internet for anyone else with a hankering for some hand-made crochet underwear.

     As I was musing over how uncomfortable crochet underwear might feel, especially in scratchy wool, I had a sudden flare up of indignation. HEY! How dare he try and cheat! Looking up tutorials before the challenge truly began!  So I emailed him back:

               "BTW, u r not allowed to cheat and look for tutorials. Are we yarn shopping 2nite?"

    To which he replied:

            "yes, we're yarn shopping tonight.

            OK...no cheating however i did watch one video on chaining and now im scared."

     I laughed, evilly, if I must confess, to myself. Making a crochet chain is the first step to a project, and even our girls, ages 8 and 11, know how. In fact, they make long crochet chains all the time to use as leashes and collars for their stuffed animals.

     Good. I've got him nervous now. This is all working out better than I had hoped. This is most excellent. Most excellent indeed. 

    Of course, I still have to make a character and play this game. I have a bad feeling I'm going to lose this challenge.

Crochet V. Knitting,

    "Great," he said, "Where's the yarn? I know you have yarn."

    "No, you don't get off that easily," I told Jeremy. "I'm taking you to the mega-monster-super-duper-craft-store and you're going to have to pick out your own yarn. I'm even going to have one of the kids video this."

    He looked undaunted.  "Can we go today?"

    "No, maybe tomorrow."

      Tomorrow came and nearly went by the time we were sitting at the restaurant waiting for dinner. Positioned opposite Ruthie and me in the booth with Joshua and Hannah flanked on either side, Jeremy decided to pass the time by explaining our challenge. "So your mother is going to play LOTRO, and I'm going to learn to crochet."  

      Joshua's expression looked as if he'd eaten something extremely sour. He started to laugh. "Seriously? No. Really. Seriously?" His precious foundling manhood seemed threatened by the idea.

    "Yeah, sure, why not?" Jeremy said, firmly secure in his own masculinity, that, or he's pretty sure I'm going to back down out of the challenge and he'll get out of learning to crochet.

    "Um, Okaaaaaaaaaay," Joshua said dubiously. He infused those words with a wealth of meaning in the way only a teenager can do.

    "So Mama is going to be an Elf hunter with bows and arrows," Jeremy continued as if his monologue remained uninterrupted.

    "Oh Oh OH!" Joshua exclaimed in the way he does when he has a revelation or something he desperately needs to share. At least he doesn't raise his hand anymore like Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter. "You should be a..."

  I cut off his well-meaning advice. "Do you want to learn to crochet?"  He sucked in his breath and scrunched up his face, biting his lips to keep from saying another word.  "Because if you want to be allowed to give me advice, you have to learn how to crochet as well."  Josh shook his head, let out his breath and said,  "Nope. That's ok."

    At that point, Jeremy looked back at me from across the table. "So, uh, what exactly is crochet?"

    "You use a hook and draw it through loops."

    "A HOOK!?" His eyes widened with whatever he was imagining. Honestly, the man just watched me crochet an entire afghan this winter. I'd have thought he was paying better attention. I don't know why I continue to deceive myself in believing my husband is observant.

    "So uh, what's the difference between knitting and crochet?" Jeremy asked.

    "Crochet uses one needle, a hook, and knitting uses two."

    "Two needles?" He asked.

    "Yes, two needles."

    "So, uh, what am I going to be making?"

    "A scarf."

    "A SCARF!?!? I thought I could start out with something easy."

    "A scarf is easy."

    Ruthie piped up, "You could show him how to make a washcloth."

    "Yeah, a washcloth. I could make a washcloth."

    "You're not getting off that easy. You're making a scarf, " I said. "And besides, I usually use the dishcloth pattern to teach basic knitting.  Would you rather knit? You can do a dishcloth if you knit."

    "Which is easier?"

    "Well, it depends on who you ask," I said. "Some will say knitting, and some will say crochet. I find crochet easier than knitting, but I learned it first, and I've been doing it longer than knitting. And some have more trouble working two needles than one hook."

    "Does this require a lot of dexterity?" Jeremy narrowed his eyes as he looked at me, sensing a trap.

    "A little, but hey, if Hannah can knit, you can crochet."

    "Daddy has dexterity," Ruthie championed his cause. "Wait. What does dexterity mean? Like hand-eye coordination? Daddy has lots of that." Joshua, shaking from holding back laughter, began to shake his head no. "Yes he does!" Ruth insisted.

    "Actually no I don't," Jeremy said. "And dexterity, in this case, means good or skilled with your hands."

    "And if you look at Daddy's handwriting," I chimed in, "You'll know he doesn't have too much dexterity." I looked back at Jeremy, "But as I said before, if Hannah can knit, he can learn to crochet. After all, he has more dexterity than a seven year old, one would hope."

    "I think I'll crochet. So uh, after dinner, can we go to the mega-monster-super-duper-craft store and pick up my yarn?"

    "I think it will be closed by the time we're done dinner. But I don't think we have anything going on tomorrow night."

    "Excellent. And then you get to start your character."

Yippee.

I might have made a deal with the devil

     My grandmother used to give this piece of advice, "Never threaten what you don't mean to carry out." She meant it in the context of disciplining children, as in, don't threaten to take their television privileges away unless you truly mean to take them away. I've discovered that issuing a challenge falls under the "be sure you want to follow through with this" warning label.  Never in a million years did I imagine my husband, Jeremy, would take up the gauntlet I threw down.

    Since his birthday a year or more ago, Jeremy has been horribly obsessed with Lord of the Rings Online.  He can easily spend several days (if he's on vacation) playing. He gets up in the morning: LOTRO. Right before bed: LOTRO. Home for lunch so he can play...yes you guessed it, LOTRO.  He's tapered back a little, because, well, real life intruded, and gosh, those bills don't pay themselves.  But mostly, if he can squeeze in a little crafting, or some tedium that lets him keep his hooks in the game, he's there.

    That's my biggest complaint. I'm a computer widow, or have been, in the past.  As I said, he's doing better. My other large complaint? He wants me to play along.  Like a religious fanatic who proselytizes non-stop, Jeremy sings the virtues of the game to me on a daily basis.  To say he's determined, would be an understatement. 

        Him: "You know there's a Grandmother who plays LOTRO."

        Me: "That's nice. I'm still not playing your stupid game."

        Him:"And some wives actually play with their husbands."

        Me:"Lovely. I'm not some wives."

        Him:"You could start your own character."

        Me:"I really have no interest."

        Him:"If you wanted a character, what character would you be? Dwarf? Elf? Hobbit? I think you'd like to be a Hobbit."

        Me:"Go away."

If we weren't having that conversation we were having another.

        Me: "The house is on fire."

        Him: "Huh? Um. I've just got to finish this quest. Give me thirty minutes." (It's never just thirty minutes. It's usually two hours.)

    We've had some serious arguments over this game. And over the last year or so, I've come to LOATHE the game withe a capital L. All the moreso once he indoctrinated The Boy.  Dinner conversations have become limited to, all things LOTRO ( For those of you hard-core LOTRO players, be reassured, I'm making the following conversation up, as I never pay attention to these conversations).

         Josh: "So the other day I was on this quest. I found the mineral deposits I was looking for, but couldn't find the rune stone."

         Him: "You need to go through the valley of Bibbidy Bop first, fight off the giant spiders. Make sure you have 50 health and use your fire skill."

         Josh: "What about my bowie knife?"

         Him: "No, that won't do it. If you can't throw fire at the Orcs you won't ever make it through the spiders."

What it sounds like to me:

        "Bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah"

    Last night Jeremy informed me, "In the Fall, LOTRO will be free for a basic account. You could have your own account. Make your own character."

        "No thanks."

        Undaunted he continued, "We could do quests together. Give Josh his own account. The three of us could do all sorts of things."

         Knowing how long he could keep this going, I decided to issue my challenge. "Ok, Fine. I'll have an account. I'll make a character, as long as you learn to crochet."

         "Great! Where's the Yarn?"