Piggies, Spiders, and Wolves, OH MY!

     When I was a little girl, Pac-man sat at the front of our grocery store, taunting my sister and I while we waited for my mother to check out.  Every week, we had the same mantra, "Please Mama, Please. Please Mama Please" while we begged for a quarter each to play the big video arcade game.  To which, most of the time, Mom would say, "No. I'm not wasting a quarter on you. You guys never finish the game." 

     We'd reply, "Yes we will. This time we will. We really really really will!"

     And for some reason, once in awhile, this would work.

      Taking our much prized quarters over to the machine, we'd slide one into the slot, listen to the Pac Man jingle, and begin moving our little yellow wheel of cheese around chomping down on dots. The Wheel of Cheese's enthusiasm for Pac Man Kibble, never boring, even for 40 levels, enslaved many just by the jingle alone.  If only Sara and I could get past level one.  The problem wasn't our inability to move Pac Man through the maze. Our problem was those stupid multi-colored cartoon cousin-it's named  Inky, Pinky, Blinkie, and Clyde.  They had a vendetta against Pac-Man and in their quest to destroy him and protect the kibble, the so-called 'ghosts' came after the yellow cheese with a vengence.

     It was intolerable.

     One moment we were happily moving the joystick, helping Pac Man munch down kibbles and bits, and the next we were shrieking loud enough to wake the dead.

     "AHHHH AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! YOU PLAY!"

     "I'M NOT PLAYING! YOU PLAY!"

     "YOU PLAY!"

     "NO! YOU PLAY!"

      "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuup!" said the machine as Pac Man shriveled up.

      Sara and I would stand there looking at each other, shrug our shoulders and stick the next quarter back into the slot.

     Gee. Such great fun.

     I'm sure our mother was pretending we were orphans at that point.

      So why Jeremy thought I would not only enjoy Lord of the Rings Online, but secretly hoped I'd become just as addicted as him, is beyond me.  It's not as if I haven't told him the Pac Man story.  Over and over and over again.

      I fired up the game, logged into Nimrodel Hey I remembered the name! Go me! Gotta rejoice in the small victories. And entered the little village where I had last left off.  Shammel stood there for a few minutes, when Jeremy finally said to me, "Find 'Fred*' and finish out that last quest." *names have been changed to protect the ignorant*

      Wow. That's like magic. He even remembers what I did last. I don't remember what I did last.  My amazement must have shown on my face, because Jeremy pointed to the screen and said, "That's your quest log.  It shows what open quests you have."  Leaning real close to the screen, I started looking all over the screen looking for some 'log' as if pressing my nose to the monitor was going to help. "No here," he said, pointing again.  I still had no clue what he was talking about, but just nodded and went to find 'Fred"

     Instead of Fred being grateful, the jerk, he gave me more assignments.  "Go Kill Wolves" he said. What choice did I have? I went and killed wolves.  Thank goodness they stood still for me while I picked them off with my bow.  Well, all except one who took exception to my weapon, and charged me. I shrieked and frantically clicked my mouse, shooting the snot out of that wolf.  He'll think twice before crossing me anytime soon. Right clicking on all my kills, I "looted" each wolf (see I'm learning the terminology...sort-of) for items I'm sure I'll never know what I'm supposed to do with it.

     "Um, clicking rapidly won't help you," Jeremy said.

     I glared at him. "But it makes me feel better." I said.

     I went back to the village to "turn in my quest" only to find out I had to speak to "George." And so began the song and dance of talking to this person, who in turn told me to talk to that person. And the more I talked to village folk, the more assignments, er, uh, quests, I was given.  "Here," Jeremy said. "You can pick up this one, and that one and the other..."  Oh man. Please just let me do one at a time!  I silently begged, to no avail.  I wasn't sure I could keep track of all the quests I had loading up in my queue.  Oh wait, that's right I have an invisible quest log that will keep track of all of these things for me!

     "How in the heck am I supposed to find this kingscrap stuff?"

     "Kingsfoil?"

     "Yeah that."

     "It glows."

     "Yes, but WHERE do I find it?"

     "Outside the village."

     "You mean, I have to wander around out there looking for glowing plants?"

     "Here, let me show you something. Here's the Map."

      Using great restraint, I refrained from breaking out into Dora the Explorer's "I'm the Map" song.

     "See, you're right here," Jeremy continued, "And the kingfoil is somewhere in here." He pointed to a very wide empty looking space in the center of the map.

     "Uh, That's not going to help. I have no idea how to read maps in real-life. And you want me to do this virtually?"

      "You're here," Jeremy tried again. "You have to travel down this road and into this field."

     "No virtual Tom-Tom?" I asked.

      Jeremy just looked at me, as if I was actually trying to be antagonizing.  I wasn't, mostly.  I really felt a big zippo blank-o in my brain looking at the map.  He sighed, closed out the map, and said, "Go that way."

I maneuvered Shammel back out of the village, ran past the wolf killing scene, and wandered aimlessly for at least five minutes. Hey this isn't bad. Maybe I can waste my forty minutes 'looking' for kingsfoil.

      Sensing a mutiny, Jeremy steered my character in the right direction and said, "Look. Kingsfoil."

I marched Shammel up to the plant, and said, "Do I right click on it like I did to loot the wolves?"

     "Yup." Jeremy said.

     "You're too far away," LOTRO said.

      So I inched closer, and right clicked.

     "Still too far away."

     So I stood in the middle of the plant.

     "You must face your collectable," LOTRO said.

     I danced around the kingsfoil plant right clicking until finally it allowed me to collect some of its precious leaves.

     Finally, having collected enough, I returned the village, turned in my quest, received some threadbare clothing for my labor. And of course, turning in a quest seems to lead to gaining a new task.  Now I had to go talk to yet another dude, I'll call "Henry."

     "You've leveled up," Jeremy said. "You should go see your trainer."

     "Huh? Trainer?"

     "Yeah, you probably have some new skill that will help you."

     "Uh, ooohhkaaay. How do I find my trainer?"

     "Go over here."

     "Now what do I do?"

     "Right click."

     "Now what?"

     "Click, 'train'"

     "Ok, now what?"

     "Close it out. You've just gained your 'power stance." Jeremy said enthusiastically.

     "That's it? That's how I train? I just click on the dude? I don't have to actually 'train'? And what is a power stance?" I asked.

     "Yup, that's it. That's all you do. A power stance can be activated each time you log in, and it makes your weapons more powerful, or your close stance fighting inflict more damage."

     "And inflicting more damage is a good thing." I added dubiously.

     "NOW," Jeremy said with emphasis, "Let's go find Henry."

     I looked up at my compassy thingy at the upper right hand corner of the screen and didn't see an arrow pointing me in the general direction of Henry.  "Hey," I said to Jeremy. "There's no compassy thingy. How do I find Henry?"

      "Well," he said, "Let's look at the map." 

     Like that helped so much the last time.

     "Ah," He continued oblivious to my thoughts, "See, he's in the hunting lodge which is waaaaay over here.  You'll have to run down this road and cross the bridge to get to the hunting lodge."

      "In the meantime, since I'm leaving the village again, can I kill the pigs and collect the berries from the other two quests?"

      "Sure. That's a good idea," he praised.  "Now let's set the quest tracker to Henry. Right click on this ring."

      "This ring?" OOOOOHHHHH! There's my quest log. Right there on the right. Just exactly where he'd been pointing. How dare they just put text right on the screen without a nifty box around the words! Everything else has a nifty box around it.

      "Yup." He said.

      "Oh hey look. I have an arrow again in my compassy thingy!" I exclaimed.

     I set out down the road and, of course, didn't encounter one piggy. 

     "Boar." Jeremy corrected.

    "Whatever," I said.  "It figured, when I was hunting wolves, I saw tons of piggies. Now that I'm hunting piggies, I only see wolves."

     "Boar," Jeremy said. "And look, there's one."

     I discovered one thing: piggies are way more aggressive than wolves.  I let out a high pitched squeal as the pig charged at me and put my cursor on the bottom icons. Fighting the urge to shut my eyes, I clicked on every bow and arrow icon I had at the bottom center of the screen.  The pig keeled over, and I made Shammel loot his poor little piggy hide.

      "Boar," Jeremy said.

     "Whatever."

      "Now, aren't you glad you have the power stance? Doesnt that make killing boars better?"

     "I don't know if I can tell the difference," I said, not really trying to be difficult.

     Jeremy rolled his eyes.

     I wandered along the path, collecting berries, and killing piggies, yelping every time Shammel was charged at.

     "Boar," Jeremy said.

     "Whatever."

     Finally, finally, finally, I came to the hunting lodge.

     I waltzed Shammel up the steps, and in front of the door (so I thought) and right clicked to open it.  Much to my dismay, the door opened and passed through my character as if he were a specter, cutting Shammel in half.  I tried to move him right. He didn't budge. I tried to move him left. Still nothing.  I almost cussed. "Jeremy, get my character out of the door!" I demanded, "I almost cussed! I never cuss! I have to be really mad to cuss! Save me from cussing! I hate arrow-key games!"  Recognizing I was thiiiiiis close to earning a free leather jacket complete with straps and buckles, Jeremy said nothing. He leaned over, right clicked on the door, shut it, moved Shammel over a few taps of the right arrow, right clicked on the door and opened it again.  I was still too angry to feel foolish over my childish behavior.  By this point, I was fed up with the game and it's randomness, and a minor temper tantrum was just what I needed to make it through the last of my forty minutes.

     Of course, Henry wanted something from me too, these greedy bast...er uh, um...yeah, these greedy folks, that's what I meant to say. If these greedy folk like Henry did more than just stand there nodding their heads and repositioning themselves every 30 seconds, they could take care of these problems themselves instead of depending on poor hapless Hunters, like my character.  I took my leave, and wandered lost around the tiny three room hunting lodge. Yes, lost. As in, I. could. not. find. the. door. Go ahead, and laugh.  Jeremy wisely did not, however. 

     Once Shammel was outside the lodge, Jeremy said, "I know a short-cut back to the village."

     "Great. I'm gonna turn in the piggy quest"

     "Boar."

    "Whatever. And the berry quest. And then I'm done. D.O.N.E. done."

    "Now, you're going to go down this path, and there will be spiders, but since this is the intro/training area, these ones won't attack you."

     I guess I didn't hear the word 'spiders' or maybe I didn't process it. I was just anxious to finish my time quota, and go back to my happy place. My stress and frustration levels had been steadily climbing since the moment I had logged in and felt blank inside my brain.  I started Shammel down the path and encountered the first ginormous spider. Sure, it wasn't attacking me, but I sure as heck did not want to run into it, through it, or whatever. So I steered around the spider, only to nearly encounter a web.  And then another web. And a web with some kind of prey wrapped up into it...and more spiders. Every where I looked! SPIDERS! AND MORE SPIDERS! AND MORE WEBS AND MORE SPIDERS!!!!  AND WEBS AND...AND ...AND...."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

     I jumped out of my chair and ran down the stairs as if the devil were after my soul. 

    "Melanie?" Jeremy called down the steps uncertain as to where I went.

     "I'm here," I said, my voice muffled by the pillow I was holding over my face.

     "Are you coming back?"

     "I just can't take the spiders. I don't care if they're not real. I can't take the spiders. Just get me back to the village, OK? Call me when you're back at the village, so I can turn in my quests and be done."

     "Ok."

     "Are you back to the village yet?"

    "Yes. you can come back now."

    I turned in my last two quests of the night. And slumped with relief.

   "I really don't think this is the game for you," Jeremy said, in all honesty.

    "Noooo, really?" I said sarcastically. "Whatever gave you that idea?'

    He laughed. "You're really going to hate level 20."

    "Spiders?" I asked weakly.

    "Spiders." He said. "And they don't just stand there passively, either."

     Great. Cant. Wait.

This is the game that never ends...yes, it goes on and on my friends...

     I've been avoiding and procrastinating, putting off, and making excuses, anything to avoid another quest.

     "Maybe I should change the requirements," Jeremy said. "Maybe I should let you just get to level five."
     "Oh no," I answered. "You still have to make a whole scarf, and I haven't seen you crochet more than those first three rows."
     "That's because I can't find my hook."
     "Gee, that's convenient."

     We've been on stay-cation this week, a perfect opportunity for both of us to 'catch-up' on our challenge, neither one of us wanting to follow through.  I'm still uncertain, but I have a small suspicion that Jeremy was trying to not-so-subtly hint that I needed to do another quest.  He suggested "We" watch all three Lord of The Rings movies this week.  Humoring him, and deciding I might as well get the pain over with, I finally told him last night that, sigh, "Ok, I guess I'll do another quest."

     Loading up the game, Jeremy said to me, "Ok babe, here's your hot guy" as I selected my character from the list.  I looked at Shammel, looked at him, and looked at Shammel again.
     "Maybe you should grow your hair out," I said.
     "And maybe I should get a green tunic and some tights," he replied dryly.
     The mental image amused me so much, I burst out in a near hysterical fit of laughter.   "Ok, Ok," I said catching my breath and wiping the tears from my eyes, "Maybe that's not such a good idea."

     I entered Middle Earth with great apprehension, having forgotten everything I almost-kinda-sorta knew about how to move around and do things in the game. Jeremy began explaining my console to me. "And if you look up here and see the arrow, it will point you to where the next quest is."
     "OH!" I exclaimed. "It's kind of like the 'You Are Here' on the mall directory. I can never find my way using one of those either."
     Ignoring me, Jeremy continued. "Press I for inventory. And click on this. You can put on this and that and the other thing, if you have them. Now press this, and click on that. Type in your last name, and give over your first born child, and you can use this weapon which really doesnt do a whole lot. You'll get better stuff as you finish quests and level up."
     "Oooh kaaay." My head was swimming with too much information. Knowing he'd walk me through it all again, I feigned understanding. So, I clicked on one fellow with a ring over his head, followed his instructions, which was to find Guy Number Two with a ring on his head.

  Games driven by arrow keys are the bane of my existence. I used the compass looking thingy on the upper right hand of the console and walked drunkenly towards my next objective.
     "Um, Melanie," Jeremy said. "You're going in the wrong direction."
     "OH!" I said, and swerved Shammel violently in the opposite direction.  Running into objects, swerving left and right, and tilting the 'view' all over the place, I finally found Guy Number Two who told me I was now looking for Guy Number Three. Are you kidding me? Sighing, I blew my hair out of my eyes, and looked at Jeremy, who was oblivious to my annoyance. 
     "See! You finished two 'quests' that wasn't so bad, now was it? And LOOK! You've leveled up!" He said in an encouraging tone usually reserved for kindergartners who avoided eating the paste.
     "Yay." I answered in a flat voice.  Walking Shammel up some stairs and into a building, I found Guy Number Three, who told me to go back and talk yet again to guy number two. "WHAT?!" I said incredulous, "I was just talking to Guy Number Two! Now I have to go back?!?"  At least, Guy Number Two had some 'training' for me to do. Oh, and I picked up some "Thread bare" clothing, a cloak, a shirt, and some gloves.  Somehow these thread bare items provide armor. Um, right.
     "No, Really, they do" Jeremy said, reading my facial expression. "Click here and here. See," he pointed to yet another box that came up on the edge of the screen, "What you were wearing provides an armor of 2. This new item gives you an armor of 12." I just stared at him for a moment, and then took Shammel on his way back to Guy Number Two.  Poor Shammel still hadn't gotten his land legs back.

    "You need to train blah blah blah," Guy Number Two said.
     "What does that mean?" I asked Jeremy
     "You're just going to take your bow, and walk over to those targets."
I didn't see any targets.
     "Those targets."
I still didn't see any targets.
     "Those, right there." Taking over the key pad for a moment, he steered Shammel over to the targets.
     "OH those targets."  Seeing four burlap covered man-shaped torsos, I armed my character with my bow, clicked on a target and shot.
     "That's it," Jeremy said. "You've completed your training, now you've got the super-duper-swift arrows."
     "I don't have to hit all four targets?" I said, confused. What kind of training is this anyway?
     "Nope. Now you have to go back and talk to Guy Number Two."
I walked over to Guy Number Two, who then told me Guy Number Four had important information for me.
     "OMGoodness!" I exclaimed. "This game NEVER ENDS! How do I get out of here?"
     "Just do this last thing, and then we'll exit, ok?"
     I don't even remember what "that last thing" was, to be honest. It's all a blur, probably Shammel talking to Guy Number Four who then said go back to Guy Number Three and have a beer with Guy Number Two, oh sorry I probably should have said ALE, and then...  Well, ok, so maybe not quite like that, but it was close.

     Wanting to exit out of the game, I looked at Jeremy and said, "No wonder you get trapped. Not that I like it any better, or make any excuses because it still is just a game. But I can see why you get trapped. Why on earth would they make a game that just goes on...and on...and on..."
     "Yes but look," He interrupted my monologue. "You've made it to level three. See, it really wasn't that hard. Now was it?"

No. But it was painful. Really really painful.

Whose bright idea was this anyway?

     Feeling a great deal sheepish after making my character, I closed out the game, looked at Jeremy and said, "Well. That's it for now. I think I'll do my first quest another time."
     "Ok," He said. "Though you could just get it over with now."
     "Noooo. That's ok. I'm good."
     "Com'mon, it won't be so bad. The first quest is like the tutorial for the game," He lied. "It kind of walks you through what you have to do."
    I sighed, knowing I probably should just do the first quest. I anticipated this moment about as much as I look forward to a ripping a band-aid off a wound and pulling off half my leg hair along with it.  "Fine," I said loading the game back up.  "Now what?"
      "See these people with a ring over their head? You want to talk to them. They have the quests you need to accomplish"  Clumsily using the keys to maneuver Shammel, I made him wander over to the person with the 'ring' over her head and stood there waiting for something to happen. Jeremy said nothing while the characters moved and swayed on the screen.  Ok, I thought to myself, I guess he expects me to figure this out on my own. I typed into the chat screen, "Talk"  Nothing happened. So I tried, "Say Hello."  Still nothing.  Refusing to look at Jeremy, knowing, just knowing his eyes would be dancing with laughter, I clicked on the character.  Still nothing.
     "Try double clicking on her."
     "Ah, ok."

     I double-clicked on the hobbit, learned I was supposed to save three other hobbits, and in the meantime, kill lots of bad guys. Ok, maybe not lots. I think there were six, or maybe eight.  Either way, it felt like a lot.  The first bad guy rushed towards me, immediately attacking me. I sat helpless with my left hand fingers on the keyboard and the right poised over the mouse while Shammel's life began ebbing away with each blow from the villain.  I could see Shammel had a knife in his hand, but I had no clue what to do.  "Click on the bad guy to stab him with your knife," Jeremy said dryly.

    "OH!" clicking furiously, I managed to defeat the first bad guy.  I freed a hobbit, and took a deep breath.  This is the epitome of stress. Really, why do people like PLAYING these kinds of games. This is not escape. This is a different sort of hell, one where I'm destined to be stressed out in real life as well as in the virtual world!

    The next bad guy raced towards me, and I squealed. Yes. I did. I squealed, and started clicking even more rapidly than before.  After all, it worked to kill the first guy, so surely this was what I had to do.  Defeating three or four bad guys in such a manner, I was worn out. I wondered how my poor mouse was going to hold up if I had to click like a madwoman for every villain I chanced to encounter. This was only level one! The game was SURE to become increasingly more difficult!

    Having determined to let me "learn" the game on my own, Jeremy sat by my side relatively quiet, until he just couldn't take it any longer.  "Um, You're a hunter," He said.
    "Yeah, so?"
     "Why did you want to be a hunter?"
     "So I could have a bow and arrows."
     "So, use them, then you don't have to wait for the bad guy to practically be on top of you. You can shoot him from afar."  
     Shoot the bad guys from afar? That sounded pretty good. "How on earth do I get my bow?"
     "You click on this here." Jeremy selected an icon at the bottom of the screen, "And look. You're armed with your bow. Now, take aim and fire," He said as the next bad guys tried to blitz me.  I clicked a little less frantically, though feeling an equal amount of stress, using way too many arrows to kill low-level villains.  I really hope I have unlimited arrows, though somehow I doubt it. Managing to get the hobbits free, I found myself in a village, my first quest completed.  I laid my head on the office desk and took some deep cleansing breaths.

      "Great Job," Jeremy said enthusiastic. "That wasn't so bad, now was it? And look, you're already half-way to level two. See that? Would you like to do another quest?" I looked at him like he had grown two heads. "I guess I'll take that as a no. Well, see here," He persisted on with his chatter, "More people with rings, more quests. You've got a whole village to explore."
    Goodie,  I thought sarcastically, a whole village to explore.
    "Just let me know when you're ready to do another quest."
   How about never?

Later, I over-heard Jeremy recounting my first experience with his beloved online game.  "She's a hunter, and she's killing the bad-guys with a knife!" He started to laugh, shaking his head.  "A KNIFE!?" 

Go ahead and laugh, buddy. You've got a whole scarf yet to crochet. Just go ahead and laugh.