When I was a little girl, Pac-man sat at the front of our grocery store, taunting my sister and I while we waited for my mother to check out. Every week, we had the same mantra, "Please Mama, Please. Please Mama Please" while we begged for a quarter each to play the big video arcade game. To which, most of the time, Mom would say, "No. I'm not wasting a quarter on you. You guys never finish the game."
We'd reply, "Yes we will. This time we will. We really really really will!"
And for some reason, once in awhile, this would work.
Taking our much prized quarters over to the machine, we'd slide one into the slot, listen to the Pac Man jingle, and begin moving our little yellow wheel of cheese around chomping down on dots. The Wheel of Cheese's enthusiasm for Pac Man Kibble, never boring, even for 40 levels, enslaved many just by the jingle alone. If only Sara and I could get past level one. The problem wasn't our inability to move Pac Man through the maze. Our problem was those stupid multi-colored cartoon cousin-it's named Inky, Pinky, Blinkie, and Clyde. They had a vendetta against Pac-Man and in their quest to destroy him and protect the kibble, the so-called 'ghosts' came after the yellow cheese with a vengence.
It was intolerable.
One moment we were happily moving the joystick, helping Pac Man munch down kibbles and bits, and the next we were shrieking loud enough to wake the dead.
"AHHHH AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! YOU PLAY!"
"I'M NOT PLAYING! YOU PLAY!"
"YOU PLAY!"
"NO! YOU PLAY!"
"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuup!" said the machine as Pac Man shriveled up.
Sara and I would stand there looking at each other, shrug our shoulders and stick the next quarter back into the slot.
Gee. Such great fun.
I'm sure our mother was pretending we were orphans at that point.
So why Jeremy thought I would not only enjoy Lord of the Rings Online, but secretly hoped I'd become just as addicted as him, is beyond me. It's not as if I haven't told him the Pac Man story. Over and over and over again.
I fired up the game, logged into Nimrodel Hey I remembered the name! Go me! Gotta rejoice in the small victories. And entered the little village where I had last left off. Shammel stood there for a few minutes, when Jeremy finally said to me, "Find 'Fred*' and finish out that last quest." *names have been changed to protect the ignorant*
Wow. That's like magic. He even remembers what I did last. I don't remember what I did last. My amazement must have shown on my face, because Jeremy pointed to the screen and said, "That's your quest log. It shows what open quests you have." Leaning real close to the screen, I started looking all over the screen looking for some 'log' as if pressing my nose to the monitor was going to help. "No here," he said, pointing again. I still had no clue what he was talking about, but just nodded and went to find 'Fred"
Instead of Fred being grateful, the jerk, he gave me more assignments. "Go Kill Wolves" he said. What choice did I have? I went and killed wolves. Thank goodness they stood still for me while I picked them off with my bow. Well, all except one who took exception to my weapon, and charged me. I shrieked and frantically clicked my mouse, shooting the snot out of that wolf. He'll think twice before crossing me anytime soon. Right clicking on all my kills, I "looted" each wolf (see I'm learning the terminology...sort-of) for items I'm sure I'll never know what I'm supposed to do with it.
"Um, clicking rapidly won't help you," Jeremy said.
I glared at him. "But it makes me feel better." I said.
I went back to the village to "turn in my quest" only to find out I had to speak to "George." And so began the song and dance of talking to this person, who in turn told me to talk to that person. And the more I talked to village folk, the more assignments, er, uh, quests, I was given. "Here," Jeremy said. "You can pick up this one, and that one and the other..." Oh man. Please just let me do one at a time! I silently begged, to no avail. I wasn't sure I could keep track of all the quests I had loading up in my queue. Oh wait, that's right I have an invisible quest log that will keep track of all of these things for me!
"How in the heck am I supposed to find this kingscrap stuff?"
"Kingsfoil?"
"Yeah that."
"It glows."
"Yes, but WHERE do I find it?"
"Outside the village."
"You mean, I have to wander around out there looking for glowing plants?"
"Here, let me show you something. Here's the Map."
Using great restraint, I refrained from breaking out into Dora the Explorer's "I'm the Map" song.
"See, you're right here," Jeremy continued, "And the kingfoil is somewhere in here." He pointed to a very wide empty looking space in the center of the map.
"Uh, That's not going to help. I have no idea how to read maps in real-life. And you want me to do this virtually?"
"You're here," Jeremy tried again. "You have to travel down this road and into this field."
"No virtual Tom-Tom?" I asked.
Jeremy just looked at me, as if I was actually trying to be antagonizing. I wasn't, mostly. I really felt a big zippo blank-o in my brain looking at the map. He sighed, closed out the map, and said, "Go that way."
I maneuvered Shammel back out of the village, ran past the wolf killing scene, and wandered aimlessly for at least five minutes. Hey this isn't bad. Maybe I can waste my forty minutes 'looking' for kingsfoil.
Sensing a mutiny, Jeremy steered my character in the right direction and said, "Look. Kingsfoil."
I marched Shammel up to the plant, and said, "Do I right click on it like I did to loot the wolves?"
"Yup." Jeremy said.
"You're too far away," LOTRO said.
So I inched closer, and right clicked.
"Still too far away."
So I stood in the middle of the plant.
"You must face your collectable," LOTRO said.
I danced around the kingsfoil plant right clicking until finally it allowed me to collect some of its precious leaves.
Finally, having collected enough, I returned the village, turned in my quest, received some threadbare clothing for my labor. And of course, turning in a quest seems to lead to gaining a new task. Now I had to go talk to yet another dude, I'll call "Henry."
"You've leveled up," Jeremy said. "You should go see your trainer."
"Huh? Trainer?"
"Yeah, you probably have some new skill that will help you."
"Uh, ooohhkaaay. How do I find my trainer?"
"Go over here."
"Now what do I do?"
"Right click."
"Now what?"
"Click, 'train'"
"Ok, now what?"
"Close it out. You've just gained your 'power stance." Jeremy said enthusiastically.
"That's it? That's how I train? I just click on the dude? I don't have to actually 'train'? And what is a power stance?" I asked.
"Yup, that's it. That's all you do. A power stance can be activated each time you log in, and it makes your weapons more powerful, or your close stance fighting inflict more damage."
"And inflicting more damage is a good thing." I added dubiously.
"NOW," Jeremy said with emphasis, "Let's go find Henry."
I looked up at my compassy thingy at the upper right hand corner of the screen and didn't see an arrow pointing me in the general direction of Henry. "Hey," I said to Jeremy. "There's no compassy thingy. How do I find Henry?"
"Well," he said, "Let's look at the map."
Like that helped so much the last time.
"Ah," He continued oblivious to my thoughts, "See, he's in the hunting lodge which is waaaaay over here. You'll have to run down this road and cross the bridge to get to the hunting lodge."
"In the meantime, since I'm leaving the village again, can I kill the pigs and collect the berries from the other two quests?"
"Sure. That's a good idea," he praised. "Now let's set the quest tracker to Henry. Right click on this ring."
"This ring?" OOOOOHHHHH! There's my quest log. Right there on the right. Just exactly where he'd been pointing. How dare they just put text right on the screen without a nifty box around the words! Everything else has a nifty box around it.
"Yup." He said.
"Oh hey look. I have an arrow again in my compassy thingy!" I exclaimed.
I set out down the road and, of course, didn't encounter one piggy.
"Boar." Jeremy corrected.
"Whatever," I said. "It figured, when I was hunting wolves, I saw tons of piggies. Now that I'm hunting piggies, I only see wolves."
"Boar," Jeremy said. "And look, there's one."
I discovered one thing: piggies are way more aggressive than wolves. I let out a high pitched squeal as the pig charged at me and put my cursor on the bottom icons. Fighting the urge to shut my eyes, I clicked on every bow and arrow icon I had at the bottom center of the screen. The pig keeled over, and I made Shammel loot his poor little piggy hide.
"Boar," Jeremy said.
"Whatever."
"Now, aren't you glad you have the power stance? Doesnt that make killing boars better?"
"I don't know if I can tell the difference," I said, not really trying to be difficult.
Jeremy rolled his eyes.
I wandered along the path, collecting berries, and killing piggies, yelping every time Shammel was charged at.
"Boar," Jeremy said.
"Whatever."
Finally, finally, finally, I came to the hunting lodge.
I waltzed Shammel up the steps, and in front of the door (so I thought) and right clicked to open it. Much to my dismay, the door opened and passed through my character as if he were a specter, cutting Shammel in half. I tried to move him right. He didn't budge. I tried to move him left. Still nothing. I almost cussed. "Jeremy, get my character out of the door!" I demanded, "I almost cussed! I never cuss! I have to be really mad to cuss! Save me from cussing! I hate arrow-key games!" Recognizing I was thiiiiiis close to earning a free leather jacket complete with straps and buckles, Jeremy said nothing. He leaned over, right clicked on the door, shut it, moved Shammel over a few taps of the right arrow, right clicked on the door and opened it again. I was still too angry to feel foolish over my childish behavior. By this point, I was fed up with the game and it's randomness, and a minor temper tantrum was just what I needed to make it through the last of my forty minutes.
Of course, Henry wanted something from me too, these greedy bast...er uh, um...yeah, these greedy folks, that's what I meant to say. If these greedy folk like Henry did more than just stand there nodding their heads and repositioning themselves every 30 seconds, they could take care of these problems themselves instead of depending on poor hapless Hunters, like my character. I took my leave, and wandered lost around the tiny three room hunting lodge. Yes, lost. As in, I. could. not. find. the. door. Go ahead, and laugh. Jeremy wisely did not, however.
Once Shammel was outside the lodge, Jeremy said, "I know a short-cut back to the village."
"Great. I'm gonna turn in the piggy quest"
"Boar."
"Whatever. And the berry quest. And then I'm done. D.O.N.E. done."
"Now, you're going to go down this path, and there will be spiders, but since this is the intro/training area, these ones won't attack you."
I guess I didn't hear the word 'spiders' or maybe I didn't process it. I was just anxious to finish my time quota, and go back to my happy place. My stress and frustration levels had been steadily climbing since the moment I had logged in and felt blank inside my brain. I started Shammel down the path and encountered the first ginormous spider. Sure, it wasn't attacking me, but I sure as heck did not want to run into it, through it, or whatever. So I steered around the spider, only to nearly encounter a web. And then another web. And a web with some kind of prey wrapped up into it...and more spiders. Every where I looked! SPIDERS! AND MORE SPIDERS! AND MORE WEBS AND MORE SPIDERS!!!! AND WEBS AND...AND ...AND...."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I jumped out of my chair and ran down the stairs as if the devil were after my soul.
"Melanie?" Jeremy called down the steps uncertain as to where I went.
"I'm here," I said, my voice muffled by the pillow I was holding over my face.
"Are you coming back?"
"I just can't take the spiders. I don't care if they're not real. I can't take the spiders. Just get me back to the village, OK? Call me when you're back at the village, so I can turn in my quests and be done."
"Ok."
"Are you back to the village yet?"
"Yes. you can come back now."
I turned in my last two quests of the night. And slumped with relief.
"I really don't think this is the game for you," Jeremy said, in all honesty.
"Noooo, really?" I said sarcastically. "Whatever gave you that idea?'
He laughed. "You're really going to hate level 20."
"Spiders?" I asked weakly.
"Spiders." He said. "And they don't just stand there passively, either."
Great. Cant. Wait.
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